Matt Miklic

Thank you so much. When you asked if you could talk to me privately for a few minutes at that party, I totally didn’t know that you wanted to lecture me about my health. That was so unexpected and appreciated. It’s certainly not as though there’s been some version of you ever-present in my life. Uncles, friends’ dads, total strangers who “used to be [my] size.” So thank you; thank you so much.

As you know, part of your duty as a fit and healthy person is to remind unfit people that they are unhealthy and in need of your help. When you do this, don’t forget to say something patronizing about how you “want to keep them around for a long time.” It’ll really make them feel good about themselves, showing how much you care by insinuating that you’re going to outlive them. Be sure to mention how easy…

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